Positively Positive

Here's a little thing about me.  I can be an angry person sometimes. There are people out there with certain kinds of personalities that I just CAN NOT stand. It's the people who just spit out whatever asinine thought comes to their head without thinking it through or giving it any thought at all, it's those people that think THEY are always right, bigots, racists, male chauvinist pigs, people who talk shit behind their friends backs to me, people who can't learn and grow from their mistakes  people who hold grudges, people who can't accept changes, people who bitch about technology but are constantly on the internet and going to the doctor, people who claim they are 100% sure there is a god (of ANY kind)...

So back to me being angry.  I, for a long time, have been an angry person, pretty bitchy at times.  As I have gotten older, I have learned to work on these issues.  With being angry, comes unhappiness, bitterness and resentment. Some time in my mid 30's, I realized these things about myself, really saw myself for who I was. So started the very slow process of change for me, and when I say slow, I mean S L O W!

I look at myself now and compare me to then, and frankly, there is not much comparison. I yell less, i don't throw things when I'm pissed, I take deep breaths, go for long walks, sit quietly and reflect and just try to straighten out my thoughts before flying of the handle. This does not mean I don't sometimes still fly off the handle, but I have also learned to apologize, sincerely and earnestly.

I, as many people, cuz this boat I am on is a full one, have had many losses, and have made so many mistakes and have had SO many regrets. Learning to teach myself to be a better person has been a process.  I'm still not there, but I can with certainty say, I have come a long way baby!

There are still things I WILL NOT tolerate, bigotry, racism, and religion(of ANY kind). I still will argue those points with anyone vehemently, and if you say ANYTHING bad about ANY of my kids, I'll tear you a new one! I KNOW how my kids are, they are imperfect, beautiful, unique and caring. So, I don't any asshole telling ME about MY kids (who are not kids anymore, they are all young adults). They are young adults with struggles and quirks and determination. 

So, about me. I have grown. I take things in stride as much as I can now, I am trying to be a happier me, try to accept people's annoyances and I am trying to make some kind of difference for someone's life.  I have currently chosen saving dogs from kill shelters and transporting them to no kill shelters. I believe dogs can bring so much joy to someone's life, so in a round about way, I feel like I not only help that dog, but can also help people who adopt that dog have a great life with a life long friend.

I've decided  I don't want to live in the shadow of my past regressions, because doing that does not allow for full growth, it's like an anchor that just weighs us down.

I'm trying for a more positive and healthy life. I want to see my grandchildren and watch them grow, I want to see my kids reach each step of success and celebrate with them, I want to be a better me. 

I tell myself, when bad things happen, that these are those bumps on the road you just go over or around, I try to feel worthy, and I love more now than I have ever loved in my life.

I remember my daughter asking me once when she was little why I didn't hug much, and I didn't, I don't even know why, I had no answer. My mom was a hugger, big time! Now I look back and I think I was just so scared, and bitter and I just didn't like myself very much, so hugging was a pleasure I not only did not do enough for my kids, but I too missed out on it. In the process of punishing myself, I was unknowingly punishing my kids. Now, I hug them when I see them and I don't want to let go.  I want each hug to last and make up for all the hugging I didn't do. 

My regrets now are melting away.  I am leaving the past where it belongs, IN THE PAST! I want to be a better me, and not only for myself, but for the people around me who I love so much. 

I lost so much time. And even tho it is too late for some things, if you are still alive and kicking, it is not too late to be a better you.

I feel a calmness within me that I had never felt before. Even in times of issues, after the initial shock of things, I still feel calmer than I used to. I still yell a bit, I'm Cuban! There is only so much I can do about that! =) But, mostly, I try to gather my thoughts first before I overreact. I am a crier, I cry over small things. I can see a moving commercial, and I'll cry. I think I just feel things very deeply sometimes, good or bad things, and crying is my outlet.

This story might seem stupid to those who have either always been calm people or figured it out long before me, but to me, it's a story of my growth and to me it's something. 

I am who I am today because of my three great kids who have each touched my life and have taught me so much about myself and about patience =)

God B Less!